Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
do nipples grow back?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
