first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
