Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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