Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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