I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
