So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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