oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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