Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
operation harelip BJ is a go
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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