I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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