Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
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