I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
