What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
