i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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