i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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