I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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