no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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