So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
