Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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