Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
