I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
How's work?
Spinning.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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