She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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