my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
