god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
