can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm too high and old for this...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
