I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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