Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
