M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
