I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
