I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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