My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
