remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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