I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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