Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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