i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
