so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
