I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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