The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
