he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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