I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
