I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
