I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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