What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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