The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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