i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
