Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
