her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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