Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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