OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
