Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
