seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's never too late to be topless.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
