just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
