He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
